How can you reboot the romance in a long-term relationship?

Middle-aged Gen X couple on a bed

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For many people in long-term relationships, life doesn’t include a lot of couples-only fun. Here are some ways how you can reboot the romance, sizzle up the sex, and enjoy the perks of monogamy.

Dr Kat — Kathleen Van Kirk, MA, DHS — sexologist and marriage and family counselor, offers some ways to help get those bedsprings making happy noises again, along with some other ways to perk up your sex life.
Simple and surprising ways to reboot the romance
First, these four suggestions that can help lead to making some mattress music:

1) Allow the “Honey, I’m off to work and I’ll see you this afternoon kiss” to linger. Throw some tongue into it, cup their behind or fondle a breast under the shirt and over the bra (or even just over the shirt). If the kids are having breakfast, excuse yourself to go out to get the morning paper together for a little grope. So what if the neighbors stare?

2) While running errands together, pull off the road for a few minutes of fondling. You’re adults. As long as you aren’t blocking traffic, the police probably won’t give you a second glance.

3) If your partner is taking a shower, offer to hop in and wash his or her back. Get a bottle of the yummiest-smelling body wash you can find and surprise him/her with it as you lather up.

4) Offer your lover a foot rub before they get out of bed in the morning or right before falling asleep. It might not lead to a romp right then, but it sure sends a message of love.

The perks of monogamy: Top 3 benefits of sex with a long-term partner
Sixty percent of couples in long-term relationships report having a less-than-ideal sex life. Among the other 40%, Dr Kat says, many are probably fibbing. Is the union of monogamy and monotony inevitable?

Must sex with a long-term partner be dull? Dr. Kat doesn’t believe it.

In her ebook, The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to Saving Your Sex Life, Dr Kat says that sex with a committed, long-term partner can be better, and much more fulfilling and adventurous, than the sex you had back in the dating years.

Unlikely? Hardly. Sex with loving, long-term partners rests on a sturdy, three-legged foundation that is absent during one-night-stand sex.

Dr Kat’s three pillars of monogamous sex excellence:

1. Having sex with someone who truly understands and loves you, despite having seen you at your lowest moments, is a turn-on in itself. The partner is more attractive than a relative stranger, and the sex can be hot.

2. Sex involves emotional vulnerability. Among long-term couples, there is a measure of emotional safety built on years of togetherness.

3. Experimentation with a trusted partner can be more powerful and rewarding.

Stop blaming the length of your relationship for sexual roadblocks and letdowns. A long-term partner is a help, and not a hindrance, to a healthy, vibrant sex life. Embrace who you have, celebrate them and enjoy all the benefits that come with years of togetherness.

ALSO SEE: Long-term love in your relationship: 5 secrets for success

3 reasons why eye contact creates better sex
He looks down, she glances up, both of them gaze in just about every direction during sex. But eye to eye? Too often, it doesn’t happen.

“I am not advocating that everyone all the time has to maintain a deep ‘soul-gaze’ sort of lock on their partner, but I do suggest that you examine your comfort level with this issue, and try to make some eye contact with your partner on a regular basis,” says Dr Kat.

Why? Three reasons:

1. It helps partners connect energetically. Feeling joined by more than just touch or sex toys helps couples deepen their relationship and increases emotional intimacy.

2. Eye contact is a great form of non-verbal communication during sex. You can use it as a check-in with your partner to communicate what’s working and what isn’t.

3. Vulnerability is a helpful thing. People experiencing discomfort looking their partner in the eye can view it as an indicator they might feel too exposed or vulnerable. Many avoid vulnerability, but revealing ourselves (inside and outside) to a partner is what deepens relationships.

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and when you get over the fear of looking your partner in the eye during sex, there’s only better sex to be had,” says Dr Kat.

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Lilyvolt Editors

This site is for you, Gen X. It’s taken us all a long time to get here, so let’s make the most of what we’ve got. That’s why we say Lilyvolt is for Gen Most Xcellent. (We’re betting Keanu would approve.)

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